The Grey Area

2010-04-07T09:43:00.002-05:00

*end blog

Rewrite my history... who says I can't?

Wtf?

2010-04-07T09:40:00.001-05:00

She wrote this, hoping that one day I'd know that someone understands. To the word. To the letter. Ultimate.

Love ridden, I've looked at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
I've wished on the lidded blue flames
Under your brow
And baby, I wished for you

Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm, but it will only make
Me colder when it's over,
So I can't tonight, baby

No, not "baby" anymore - if I need you
I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave

My hand won't hold you down no more
The path is clear to follow through
I stood too long in the way of the door
And now I'm giving up on you

No, not "baby" anymore- if I need you
I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave

2010-04-04T15:12:00.004-05:00

Who says I can’t be free,
from all of the things that I used to be?
Rewrite my history.
Who says I can’t be free?

What the hard drive deleted:

2010-04-04T13:36:00.001-05:00

agents of oblivion
ben harper
cold war kids, robbers and cowards
cassadaga
cursive
fall out boy
fiona apple, when the pawn
g love
her space holiday
jack johnson
john mayer, continuum
maria taylor
regina spektor
rilo kiley
the black keys

It didn't delete everything, but halves of albums. Some of them are completely gone except for album art. BLECH.

Bring it on, When The Pawn.

2010-04-03T10:39:00.003-05:00

I guess talking about it wasn't important enough to make a phone call. It really just confirms what I already know and makes it easier. Tell em, Fiona:

REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT!!!!

(: (: (: (: I LIKE SMILING :) :) :) :)

2010-04-02T13:06:00.003-05:00

Had lots of fun for the first half of last night. Gary and I went to the Magnolia Cafe to see Bradley's Circus, which is a blues band from the Netherlands. We ate alligator and drank wine. Well, I drank wine. Gary preferred not to drink rotten fruit juice. Sometimes, out of the ordinary is exactly what one needs to recharge one's batteries. Good times. Good people.

The way I see it

2010-03-31T20:43:00.003-05:00

If I just keep it to myself, then I can at least keep the little good I do have. If I don't say anything, don't take any risks, then things stay the way they are and things don't get ruined. That's not so bad, is it? Not bad, but so hard. I know I don't deserve it. At least I know.

Candy striped hair wrap clip.

2010-03-30T12:22:00.002-05:00

Will be perfecting these for my Etsy shop.

On this and on that/ The things I want are not mine anymore/ My heart is losing color

2010-03-30T04:15:00.008-05:00

I woke up at 3am and couldn't go back to sleep. Gah!

This past weekend has been tiresome. I'm just getting back to normal. I had to go to bed WAY early the past two nights to make up for the lack of quality sleep this weekend. New Orleans was beautiful, of course, but I never had any down time to unwind and be alone with myself. I was always surrounded by people, and that eventually can be a bad thing for me. I need good, quality silence sometimes. Not to mention the people that were with me constantly argued and complained over everything. I love those two, but that got pretty old. I'm down for a good debate or complaint, but there is a breaking point. I could only pretend to be amused for so long.

We did the Bourbon St. thing twice. The first time we ended up in a tranny/carnie place and the second time I ended up wasted and running back to the hotel at 6am. I consider that a good time, considering past Bourbon St. nights.

Jon has hardly spoken to me since I've been back. My feelings are hurt. I don't know why (as in, I don't know why I didn't expect it), but they are. He claimed it was the lamest thing ever that I was leaving. He claimed to miss me so much while I was gone. Only, now that I'm back... I'm back on a shelf. Claims aren't lining up with actions. Something about this reeks of self-destruction and surprisingly, it's on my part. I don't want to be the only one making sacrifices and I don't want to be alone, but I am. Eventually, that will work itself out, right? Things are, and have been for a while, clearly heading in the direction opposite progress, but is there a way to change that? I think I've tried everything. Have I? I know you're in there, but I don't think I have the key anymore.

The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you, you just have to figure who is worth suffering for.. -Bob Marley

Here's to...

2010-03-29T20:14:00.001-05:00

Laygs
Originally uploaded by tabiii

...a Spring Break I can look back on and feel like I did something. To not thinking "Where the heck did Spring Break go?!". To getting work, play, and bonding done. To not waiting around for something to happen. To making new friends and spending time with my current awesome ones.

To that stuff.

He can't read my poker face.

2010-03-21T10:32:00.003-05:00

The Westboro counter protest was awesome, even if the protesters didn't show up. It ended up being a sign party. I'm so glad we went. It was a great experience. I took A LOT of pictures. There are even a couple of videos of the crowd and of Jesus dancing to Lady Gaga.

Woops.

2010-03-17T09:54:00.000-05:00

Oh. Misunderstanding.

I still like Clementine.

So we're clear/Sam and Andrew/ You know what I mean, brah?

2010-03-17T07:31:00.007-05:00

So, okay, I know that 'wait to be happy' may seem like a ridiculous concept.

I am PERFECTLY happy with myself. When I say 'How long do I have to wait to be happy?', I'm not talking about my own personal happiness. I love me. I'm fun and unique and opinionated. Sometimes I'm too bitchy, but I can count on one hand the amount of bad days I've had that don't involve illness in the past year. So I'm good. Until, of course, I want to move to the next level. I'm not ready for that just now, but I'd like to know I'm in a situation that could easily move to that level. That would make me happy. A secure kind of happy that NO ONE my age that didn't marry off at a church bake sale has. You might call it 'content', but I like the word 'happy.'

So there's one little compact area (which is really an area of an area) of my life that consistently makes me unhappy(in that area). I think we all can relate to that, right? ;)

To the brim.

2010-03-16T21:04:00.003-05:00

Trying to keep it on the inside. Please stay there, where you can't rock the boat. Where you can't start shit in my life. I'm getting absolutely full of that feeling. Please stay there. Please please please.

How long do I have to wait to be happy?

Drunk on ego/ Dying alone.

2010-03-04T10:42:00.001-06:00

Truly thought I could make it right if I,
kissed you one more time to
help you face the nightmare,
but you're far too poisoned for me.
Such a fool to think that I could
wake you from your slumber...
That I could actually heal you.

Is it comfort or not. I can't tell anymore. I'm squirming. Gasping. Tossing and turning.
Make it right?
Make it go?

Life After People

2010-03-04T09:24:00.002-06:00

Nature taking over...
Originally uploaded by magical-world

This is a review I wrote for the paper. Thought I'd post it here, too, because it really is an awesome show. Check it out.

If you’re like me, you love The History Channel and The Discovery Channel. If you are, and you haven’t seen Life After People yet, you’re really missing out. I caught Life After People during Apocalypse Week, and since then, I’ve been hooked.

Some may argue that The History Channel is straying away from history and showing us more present, future, and ‘how stuff works’ types of shows, but Life After People has a very good reason to be on History. Life After People shows us how history can and will repeat itself when humans are gone. We see how nature will take back the planet that is rightfully hers and the illusion of our ownership over this planet begins to crumble.

When there are no more maintenance crews keeping our cities in top shape, everything begins to crumble. We see how small we are in the bigger scheme of things. We also see that all of our monuments and buildings won’t last very long after we’re gone.
Catch Life After People Tuesdays at 9 on The History Channel. If you’re interested, you can also watch full episodes online at http://history.com.

Burning STEM

2010-03-03T08:06:00.003-06:00

I need a haircut. My hair is getting to that point where it's scraggly at the ends, so I want it short again. Problem is, I kinda promised I wouldn't cut it myself again, and Robbi and I haven't been able to match schedules (and I don't want lunch...).

Today, I thought I'd sit around and work on building a map of Burning Man, but I found out yesterday afternoon I'd be volunteering for the STEM Career Expo today. AND I have to dress up. BAH.

This is effed up. (dis iz fd p)

2010-03-02T19:03:00.000-06:00

These are texts I got from THE MOTHERFUCKING DEAN OF SCIENCE this afternoon:

1) 1:53pm Wat times did u tell me u work 4 d STEM career expo tomorrow?
2) 3:13pm I will b dare betw 9-12
3) 3:15pm Ck yur email. Wat time can u work?
4) 3:38pm See u 2morrow.

Tuesday is my Monday.

2010-03-02T07:49:00.002-06:00

Time for Psych. Did my homework in about 2 minutes this morning before I got dressed for class. Blah. I wouldn't mind being challenged a little in a class I care about. Accounting is challenging enough, but I really don't care enough to meet the challenge. I have a mid B in that class now, and I have no clue how.

Woke up this morning to junk having been started. I think I solved it. I don't care. I wish it hadn't been said, but it was and there's nothing I can do about it. Over and done. I'm not going anywhere.

Q & A/ different audience

2010-02-26T06:58:00.001-06:00

1) Why are you always so mean to me in my dreams?

2) Should I switch to Wordpress or get my own domain? Blogger doesn't do enough for me.

Yay!

2010-02-25T07:52:00.004-06:00

Today's the last day of class this week. I'm excited! Class has pretty much sucked this week. I didn't even go to Graphic Design yesterday because I knew we wouldn't be doing anything and I wanted to go to thrift stores. My rainbow cup got broken, and I need a new one. Problem is, it's from the 80's (it's a year older than ME) and I have to go to thrift stores and find it. Woe is me. :P

My library fines are 15 cents away from $20. Guess I need to stop by there today. I need to be able to use my library card. I need to read!!

Jon and I went around to thrift and pet stores yesterday and he didn't complain once while I rocked out to Marilyn Manson and Eminem. That's some kind of patience. I felt like a teenager. :D

Stop Looking Back

2010-02-24T07:45:00.002-06:00

Stop Looking Back
Originally uploaded by tabiii

On Wednesday, I don't want to go to class. Nothing's ever due and I don't work on anything in class. I do all my work on my laptop, which is awkward to set up in class since there are no desks or tables. Only Mac stations. *Sigh. FML ;D

I'm going to get to hatch baby chicks for Easter this year. I have a plan to make the 'chicks for Easter' thing safer for the babies. I'm going to give care instructions and packages with them and tell people they can give them back to me if they don't think they can take care of them.

Maybe today I can work on fixing all my music and maybe starting a compost bin to make awesome dirt for my herbs and veggies. I eventually have to go to class, but it isn't until the afternoon.

Have I mentioned?

2010-02-18T07:01:00.001-06:00

Pots of colour
Originally uploaded by Dey

COLOR is my favorite thing.
All the lines and shapes could go away, and I would be ok with the random blotches of color everywhere.

Color.

COLOR.

COLOR!!

Ash Wednesday, Pych Thursday.

2010-02-17T08:35:00.003-06:00

Last day of Mardi Gras break. I went to zero parades. Zero balls. No Bourbon Street. Nothing. I don't feel like I missed out on anything. Odd. If I did all that, I'd need another vacation.

Everything has been moved out of my apartment. I live in Slaughter now. I'm going to plant a garden and get back to art. The simple life. I'm excited. I'll miss some things about BR, like ritual Mondays at the Spanish Moon. That's too far to drive now. Mostly, too far to drive back with a 9am class the next day. I'll miss the friends I have in BR, but I never saw them anyway because I was a hermit out there. I'll see them just as much now, if not more. I'd put money on that.

My herbs.

2010-02-16T16:22:00.001-06:00

Lavender & Chamomile
Originally uploaded by tabiii

Little paper cup garden. Lavender and Chamomile.

It's a nice idea and all, but...

2010-02-13T16:58:00.005-06:00

...the truth is, I'm terrified of Valentine's Day.

Don't break, don't break my....

Changes

2010-02-12T12:25:00.002-06:00

I has pink hair with black stripes! I was supposed to have yellow (think GAGA), but they were out of it, so pink it is. It really looks more purple. It took over five hours to finish.

Also new and exciting is my new hole. I got my nose repierced after an awesome date with Jade on Wednesday. It's been a good week. :D

Mac, Obviously

2010-02-10T10:49:00.004-06:00

apple (red)
Originally uploaded by beta karel

A staff debate for the school's paper.

     Lately, there are a lot of Microsoft television ads which use price as their main selling point. This is, interestingly, in retaliation to Apple’s ads using style and usability as selling points. You may be able to find a non-Mac laptop for $699, but you certainly won’t be getting everything you want or need.
     First, you’re going to need some antivirus software when your 60-day trial of Norton runs out. This is not a want. It is a need. Without some sort of antivirus software, your PC will be infected with viruses in no time.
     You’ll also need to buy all the software you need for everyday life. With a Mac, you’ll already be set up with iLife. This software package includes iPhoto, iDVD, Garage Band, iWeb, iMovie, and MobileMe Web Gallery. You’ll have all the tools you need to get the job done, right out of the box. Best of all, this software actually works with your new Mac. That’s something Microsoft can’t compare with.
     With price and software mentioned, I can’t leave out style. Even Microsoft admits that Macs are far cooler than PCs. Lauren, the redhead from their most recent TV ads even says so. Macs, as well as their software, are gorgeous.
     So when it really comes down to buying a new computer, remember, price isn’t everything.

Back to back to back to back to back to

2010-02-07T09:19:00.002-06:00

There's no place like home
Originally uploaded by dullhunk

School tomorrow. I have homework to finish today, a Superbowl party, and then going back to BR. I don't want to. I wish all my stuff was already moved out. Then I could just go to class tomorrow and come home. Funny that this is now "home." I can't call that tiny, cold, lonely room "home" anymore. It's too negative. I can be far more useful here, anyway. Helping my Grandparents and making it so they don't have to do everything for Seth during the week anymore. In BR, I just sit around and wait for something to end.

*sigh/FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL/WIN

2010-02-04T07:32:00.003-06:00

I feel like happiness could be just right around the corner. Could be.

I can't wait to move out of this apartment. I'm bitter about the landlord being a piece of shit. I can't pay rent without feeling like an idiot. Have to go.

I have all these dreams lately. So many every night and I remember them all without even trying.

I'm done with whatever I was careening towards. That's not for me. It was "for now". Not for me. I don't want to feel like that for any extended period of time. Besides, no one cares until you're almost dead, anyway. No one wants to help prevent that shit. They just wonder why you've moved on and then they do. I don't mean to disappoint. I think I'll always be this way, but I try not to be. Wandering around. Completely lost. Clinging to things that will hold me in place.

I miss Seth. I miss my family. I can't wait to go back. I need to be enveloped in good.

it's all I've ever wanted/FUCK LOVE APATHY

2010-01-17T12:25:00.002-06:00

I WANT TO FEEL LIKE SOMEONE WANTS ME BADLY AND WOULD BE DEVASTATED IF I WENT AWAY

You know...

2010-01-16T14:53:00.002-06:00

I think I'm done.

I am tired of pretending I can handle it, while being the only person trying to work at it. I know all the advice I've gotten is good. Maybe it's time to follow it. I've been so patient about this. So understanding, but it doesn't matter. It's time to take a step back and look at what it is I'm really fighting for, now. I think it may be follow-through. Believing that all good things take work. Or some proof to myself that I can fight impulses. I have proven that and then some. Nothing good should be this hard. I'm losing myself in this.

Reflections of past mistakes

2010-01-03T22:19:00.001-06:00

Where are you when I need you? Every day I'm less and less convinced that you care. Coincidentally, every day I care less and less whether or not you do.

What am I fighting for? What have I done?

I'm so tired.

2010-01-03T14:45:00.003-06:00

Life isn't working, and neither am I, on so many levels. I feel completely alone in it, and really, I am. I've been fighting back tears for weeks, but now I just want to cry. I'm so tired.

Everything I want or need is done with me or out of reach.

My bed will be my coffin.

Badger, Badger, Badger!

2009-12-07T00:00:00.004-06:00

We went to the free day at a couple of the downtown museums. The USS Kidd museum was boring, but Seth was at least a little interested in the boat models. The LASM was the best part of the day, though. We made ornaments, and he got to see Santa. We played in the discovery depot and Seth got super creeped out by the mummy. Never thought mummies were that creepy.

Anyway, we dressed ourselves in badger pelts.

Cold. Eff snowmen.

2009-12-05T12:44:00.001-06:00

sad bokeh friday
Originally uploaded by harold.lloyd (won't somebody think of the bokeh?)

Last night, it was freezing at my house. There was a cold rain and then sleet and eventually snow (which, btw, didn’t stick). The heater wasn’t helping much, either. It was so hard getting out of bed this morning. It was so warm under the blankets, and I could feel the cold outside them. Had to get up, though. Seth’s here. He definitely gives me the motivation I need to get out of bed and get things done. I just can’t wait until he’s got a yard to play in because he drives me crazy in this tiny apartment a lot of the time. He goes outside, but he doesn’t stay out there long since there’s barely a yard and there are no other children. My lease is up in February, though. Definitely need to be moving. I don’t even care if it’s moving back to slaughter, as long as there’s room. There is definitely not enough room here. I thought it would be fine, but it isn’t. It’s lame.

I’m always in a bad mood Saturday, it seems. It’s usually because I have to sleep alone on Friday and I know it will be that way all weekend. I try and fail to get some company on Saturdays. I have no adult company. The only Saturday company I sometimes get anymore is really Seth’s company, not mine. Not that I have much company during the week anymore, anyway. Being here is a different thing from being present. It’s not even that I care so much anymore, it’s that I don’t adapt well to changes like that.

When I went to pick up my art projects yesterday, Matt asked what I wanted to do; where I was going. I realized I don’t really have a plan and that scares me. I know, being the type of person I am, I need a plan for everything. If I don’t have a mental plan or a list or something, I can’t even leave my house in the morning. I really need to figure this out. I just need to get the AA degree out of the way.

I have an appointment with the behavioral health people. Trying to get some Paxil for my social anxiety, which is ruining my life lately. Everything I want to do involves dealing with people, and social anxiety, social phobia, makes that impossible, therefore holding me back from everything I want to do. It’s miserable. Stepping back from a disorder making my own life miserable, though, I am fascinated how a disorder can make anyone’s entire life miserable. It’s amazing, really.

Got the new John Mayer album:
“Only when we want is not a compromise
Ill be pouring tears
Into your drying eyes

Friends, lovers, or nothing
There can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
We'll never be the inbetween
So give it up”

-Friends, Lovers, Or Nothing (fav!)

Monday in disguise. Shit. Balls.

2009-11-28T10:58:00.002-06:00

I have a lot to do today. I'm waiting for Seth to be done in the bath, then we're going out to Slaughter. I left all my towels there and all we have is one dishtowel. We've made it work, though. ;D

Seth's going to a birthday party with Gary and I think I'm going to a Thanksgiving thing with Jon. I think. He may have been sleeptexting. I'll be out that way anyway. Bringing my 2-d design project to work on just in case. I think I'm a little over halfway done with it. Not saying much for my drawing project. Just hoping to make a C in that class, seriously. I hate charcoal, and my current state of mind isn't even allowing for me to play with ink or watercolor, much less the messiest medium on the planet.

Lukily for me, I have waiting for me something I can use to make me just do stuff and not care. Better than wine. Better than company.

Next to those books you meant to but never read.

2009-11-27T19:33:00.004-06:00

Thanksgiving was better than expected. I intended to just hang out with Seth at my grandparents' house while they were away, but my aunt pretty much demanded that I go to her house, so I did. Stayed up all night helping her cook, then stayed there all day and barely ate anything. Seth didn't have anyone to play with, so he was a little needy, but he said he had fun. I guess it was better than being completely alone.
Was supposed to go over to Jon's aunt's tomorrow, but um, I'm a little clueless about what's going on. I'm hearing two different versions of a story, and I have no idea what to make of that. Maybe it's the same story just said two different ways, but they sound different to me.
This week has worn me completely out. I feel so much like crap, mentally. I've been just going over and over, losing a night's sleep, stressing out over various things. I have so many art projects due Tuesday, but I can't force myself to work on them. I feel on the verge of something awful...

I feel like I'm on a shelf.

Thanks

2009-11-25T10:57:00.008-06:00

Wild Turkeys 3-7-08
Originally uploaded by Vicki's Nature

Borrowing someone else's family for holidays makes me feel pretty sad. It feels great that someone else's family would invite me, but I still wish I had a family. The holidays really are the worst time of the year when you're alone.
Having dinner with the boyfriend's family on Saturday didn't seem so sad, but I don't think he's talking to me, which means I don't know if I have a boyfriend, considering the events of the night before last.
Maybe me and Seth can just eat some pie and cranberry sauce for dinner tomorrow. Or go out to eat somewhere. He's still young enough not to care.
I wish it was cheaper to fly to another country so we wouldn't have to celebrate it at all.
Regardless of how lame the actual holiday is going to be, I am still thankful for a lot of things, and I'm sure I'll have a list right here by tomorrow. That list always makes me feel better.

Time to see a therapist.

2009-11-24T18:33:00.001-06:00

Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale - Results

Your score:
65 (fear) + 67 (avoidance) = 132

The scoring scale:
55-65 Moderate social phobia
65-80 Marked social phobia
80-95 Severe social phobia
Greater than 95 - Very severe social phobia

Link

Procrastination Meter

2009-11-23T09:37:00.002-06:00

Procrastination Meter
Originally uploaded by emiemar

Well, I woke up at 6:45 this morning.
Then I decided that I’d lie in bed until the second alarm went of at 7:00. Turns out I was sleep walking when I turned the first one off and the 6:45 alarm was the second. So I got up at 9am. It’s interesting that this rarely happens when I HAVE to be somewhere. I am usually pretty punctual. I think my sleeping self knows when I need to be somewhere and wakes me up, but lets me sleep when I can make my own schedule. So my subconscious is a procrastinator, too? Great.
I got a SNES emulator yesterday and five-hundred-something games for it. Work all day? No problem. ;D

Fairy Tales/ Liar/Excited by death

2009-11-22T12:12:00.001-06:00

You may conquer with the sword, but you are conquered by a kiss
Originally uploaded by .craig

When I try to be mean, I get this look. A look like I just killed his mother. I get a ‘don’t say that’, and the look. Something like that, and it makes me feel like shit. I’m not good at being mean. Though I feel like I mean it, I don’t. What I mean to say isn’t “You don’t love me.” but more like “I can’t tell.” I don’t know how to communicate what I want very effectively, never have been, so it’s half my fault I’m always stuck wishing things were better. I’m so afraid that it’s going to be like “Oh, that’s what you want? Really? Well, good luck!” or “Well I guess I’m not what you want.” or the usual “I’ll just go away, then.” Like people come as-is and can’t modify their own behavior to be more considerate of others’ feelings.
Why am I so worried that when I ask for what I want, someone’s going to disown/fire/break up with/evict/etc. me. Why am I so worried that I keep my mouth shut?
Christina Aguilera gave me false hope that there are some boys who just know what girls want and when they want it. What a lying hobag.

My grandmother called me yesterday asking for my mother’s phone number, which she knows I don’t have, so she could tell her about an old lady she knew being found dead. The excitement in her voice was creepy.

Today, I’m going to try taking the relaxy homeopathic stuff throughout the day. It's raining out and Seth is inside making SO MUCH FUCKING NOISE with his cars and it's making me so anxious. I feel sorry for him sometimes, having me as a parent.

Ok sure

2009-11-18T20:52:00.002-06:00

You got me. I wish I had a family. I have a family, but the kind I'm wishing for is the kind that love each other and want to take care of each other. All year long. My family tears each other down. I wish, I wish, but I will not answer the phone when she calls. I'm done with it, at least for now. How dare her start with the phone calls and texts right before Thanksgiving. Do I look like an idiot? I will not be her convenience during happy family season.
I have my son. I have my friends. Who needs a mother? Well, truth is, I do. But I still refuse to answer the phone.

When I'm her age, I hope that my children know how much I love them. It's my wish for my future. And when I'm my grandmother's age, I hope that my grandchildren spend their summers with me. I will gauge my success by this.

2009-11-17T10:00:00.002-06:00

The semester is almost over. I really can't wait. There's really like 2 weeks left. TWO WEEKS. Then I'm doing nothing for a month. I'm not sure yet how I feel about doing nothing.

So finals will be soon. Psych should be easy peasy. English will suck, but I've got it. Art doesn't have finals, does it?

Alone.

2009-11-08T12:08:00.001-06:00

Alone it stay
Originally uploaded by Giampaolo Macorig

I think I'm settling more into the alone thing. This weekend I didn't stay in bed as long as possible, just wishing Jon was around, my head full of nonsense and lame. Yesterday, Seth and I were out almost all day.

It's strange how hard it is to separate oneself from the emotional roller coaster, even when I know what's going on. I know it's always happened and probably always will, but I still think and write things like the first paragraph. I'm not settling in. I'm feeling ok for a moment. Everything will be hectic again before long, and I'll feel so lonely, and I'll wish I had connection, and I'll stay in bed unless someone makes me get out.

But maybe, just maybe, I'm settling in. :)

UNDO UNDO UNDO

2009-11-08T10:44:00.004-06:00

Got up (against my will) just before 8am today. Seth doesn't understand Sundays yet. Sundays are for sleeping late. Not doing anything until you start to feel like a bum. Not around here.

He started his ADHD medicine today. We'll see how this goes. I hope it makes things easier for him, but I really don't want anything major to change with him. I like him the way he is. I can even deal with the lack of attention and forgetting and misplacing things. It's his teachers that can't.

Almost done with my collage. I keep having to stop to let things dry. I'm sooo not used to that. Last night I stenciled some hair and spray painted it in black. Bad idea. Spray paint sticks to Mod Podge better than to paper. It was all shiny and weird where I had sealed the paper. I was actually considering how lame it is that real life doesn't have an apple+z command. I had to fix it, which was about an hour detour. Looks ok now, but it's not as "cute" as I'd liked it. She barely looks Harajuku. Next up is still life abstract. That's due Thursday. Yay.

Bones/Poppies/Squash/ Freezing Nightmares

2009-11-06T09:38:00.002-06:00

101906
Originally uploaded by tabiii

Somehow, I have no less than a B in every class. I've been having some serious motivation issues, and I skipped a lot of English and Psychology. Guess it's the exams and papers that matter in the end.

This weekend I have two art projects (one to finish, one to start), a rough draft for a literature paper, and a psych project. Yay, it's going to be fun. Also, have to go from 38 drawings in my sketchbook to 60 without looking like I was just trying to go from 38 to 60.

I got very little sleep last night. I had a really bad, realistic nightmare and then I was freezing cold. By the time the alarm went off, I'd been waiting for it for about two hours.

Now, I'm drinking hot chocolate in my pajamas, not really looking forward to going to work. Not so much not looking forward to it either, though. This morning is my weekend.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm better at visual expression or expression through words. Or, if I should really express these things at all.

Thinking about making a review blog for watching video games being played.

Hurricanes/Crazy cat ladies/Bacon

2009-10-21T08:31:00.004-05:00

As far as being alone goes, I'm really good with mornings. It's nights I can't figure out what to do with myself. I can't sleep so I want to go out, but I don't know anyone anymore since I completely stopped going out. I was up so late last night staring at my phone, listening to water drip, listening to cats fight, wishing I had the motivation to work on my homework.

This morning, I jumped out of bed at 7:30 without an alarm. Worked on things, got all my homework together. Wtf?

I WILL get all of this homework caught up. Not worried about studying psych. I don't even feel the need to write down most of the notes from the powerpoints. Just have to type my English essay. It's the art project past-due-due-date that's looming over me like the grim reaper to the soul of my favorite activity/chosen career/major. Lately, I've though 'Hey, I'm a pretty good writer. Let's leave the illustration to the real artists.' Shit like that. Yeah.

AM/PM by Amelia Gray is an amazing book. If you like Etgar Keret, I'm positive you'll like her. It's the same strange, slightly surreal short stories of moments we tend to miss. She can make you feel something you don't understand with two sentences.

Saturday

2009-10-17T11:29:00.002-05:00

Managed to post on a Saturday instead of Sunday!

Yesterday was a full day, but it was all good stuff. All of the editors were in the office, so it was more fun than just hanging out in there by myself. The other editors are generally entertaining. Sometimes, they're so entertaining that I don't get my work done. Usually worth it though.
Gary picked Seth up from Grammas and hung out with him for a few hours. I actually got to clean my house without Seth and the cats running around messing things back up 5 minutes later. Actually seeing the house clean after I'm done is awesome.
Also, looks like Seth had a blast with Gary. He's even excited this morning. Excited about the next time he'll hang out with him. It's good. He's missed him.

For now, I'm sitting at CiCi's. Just finished a Chai Latte, waiting for Jon to call back about Boo at the Zoo time.

The grey area's are mine.

2009-10-04T17:43:00.003-05:00

I'm at Gramma's. Brought Seth back over here so I can get up and go to work early tomorrow. That way, when I leave, I'll still be able to do things. Maybe go to the Co-Op to get the rest of my art supplies.

I didn't mean to stay here this long; I have a paper to work on, another one to rewrite and an art project I've been seriously neglecting. I, however, am dreading going home. I'm dreading the loneliness. When I can get out of bed I just sit and stare at the wall or ceiling and nothing gets done. I want to go out and do things. There's lots I like to do, but there's really not much I like to do alone. I just think. And think. Feels like I'm spending my time waiting to share it with someone else. All the sitting and thinking makes me lethargic. I need to be out doing things, but what about that moment when I feel like there's a ten foot radius of empty space around me, and I'm just standing there wishing I was at home staring at the ceiling?

I have to wonder if this is just the way it's going to be. This is just part of this 'growing up' that never seems to end. If it is, then what really is the point? Nothing seems real anymore. Maybe nothing is.

Considered seeing a doctor again for antidepressants. I stopped taking them before because they made me numb. Maybe I'd prefer numb?

BLARGH

2009-09-28T03:35:00.001-05:00

I can't go to sleep. It's just not happening. I've been trying since before eleven, and now it's 3:36. Hate insomnia.

It's been since Sunday./It's Sunday again.

2009-09-27T12:13:00.003-05:00

A whole week since I blogged?! I need to get the interwebs at my house. I have the coffee shop interwebs and school interwebs, but I'm always having good conversation or you know, in class and shit.

It's Sunday. It's noon. I've yet to bathe or even brush my teeth. Listening to Zee Avi, writing a fad diet article, watching Seth play with the boxful of kittens.

Later, we'll go down to the library and look for books about how to make paper airplanes. Even later, we'll go have a playdate with the four Js. ;D

I need to work on my art project, but I will fight that urge. It's Sunday, dammit.

How do you spell grey/gray? We had a short debate in art class and now I want to know how everyone spells it. I use "e" in every instance of the word. I like it that way. I'm not changing!! Grey is an attractive word, dontcha think?

Cats, Monsters and Prints, OH MY!

2009-09-20T10:29:00.003-05:00

I went to look at kittens yesterday. I didn't want any of them. I want my cat. I can only really want a kitten after I have Morrisson. I miss him so much, but I don't think I'm going to get him back. :/

Last night we went to see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. It was actually really good. I'll have to write a review now. I'm sure I'll need help with that. I suck at reviewing things. I'm all "It was lame." or "Yay, good movie!" I'll also need to be reviewing Monsters of Folk. I am impressed. It's not entirely Conor Oberst centered the way all music involving Conor Oberst tends to be. Very nice, Monsters of Folk. I listened to it about ten times in a row. Not sick of it. *applause

It's nice to have coffee again. Makes a place feel more like home and less like a messy hotel. I still have clothes everywhere and I'm having a bit of a furniture arranging issue, but that's to be expected with 500 sq ft to work with. That drafting table is really screwing things up for my feng shui. Really makign(<-- wtf, Firefox? Where's my spellchecking?) things easier for art class trumps interior design principles though.

The photo is a gigantic print from Drive By Press. They were in baton Rouge this past week and did a lecture at BRCC. They also were at a lot of local bars printing their t-shirts.

Fucking simplicity, I miss you/ Are you a hypnotist?

2009-09-18T11:56:00.004-05:00

I couldn't think yesterday. I thought about it so much I was exhausted. Slept for 14 hours. I'm worried. I'm worried about why I do what I do. Fear? Strong will? Weak will? Because I've invested so much energy into it already, it'd be a shame to give up now?

He answered a question honestly, and now I can't pretend it isn't true anymore. What I don't get is why we're pretending he didn't answer that question. It can't be blamed on the tequila. And no, we didn't make up afterward. There is no making up after that. Something changed. I am not just me.

I don't get why he does what he does, either. That's the other side of it. Why does he keep investing energy into me when I'm not what he wants. Or maybe I am what he wants, but what I really am isn't what he wants. Ever.

All the advice I get is "What the fuck? Why?", and I agree. So why do I do it? I've considered it may be a fear of being alone. But I have such strong feelings about it all, so if that's it then it isn't the entire story.

It seems to me that maybe pretty much always means no/ Sun Sun Sun, what are you doing?

2009-09-12T10:31:00.005-05:00

So, this is the first time ever that I've lived alone. I say that out loud, and people say things like "Isn't it great?!". It isn't. Someone like me doesn't need this much time to sit and think about things. Especially with things the way they are. Especially when I don't know what the fuck is ever going on. I'm so thankful for school and a job I like right now. Distraction. School for the challenge, work for the laughs.

It's the weekend, so Seth's here. That makes it less lonely. We built a fort. A "house" in the closet. Somehow I knew he'd play in that closet. I know I would if I was 7. He's counting the rows on a slinky now. The kid loves numbers, time, and money. We're so different.

Seth was lying next to me this morning and told me that he misses him. That he can barely even remember what he looks like. Or what his mom and dad look like. That we should go see them all soon. I don't know how to tell him that we can't, so I just say "Maybe we will".

I need the sun to come back. I want to wander around the city. Seth wants to play in the fountains. The sun has been gone for days. After a couple of days without the sun I get pretty down.

I need to work on my drawing project. Who knew art would be my least favorite homework? I hate that stupid house project. HATE it.

Moved In

2009-09-06T16:03:00.001-05:00

Fridge Gallery
Originally uploaded by tabiii

Finally moved in to the apartment. Gas isn't on yet, but the power is. Yay! I have stuff all over the place since I don't have any of my storage stuff moved in yet. I pretty much have my desk, bed, and coffee table. Well, those and a bunch of boxes of stuff with nowhere to go. I'm grateful for windowsills. :D

Not working at GNC anymore. It's one of the few major decisions I've made lately that I don't regret. Now I'm an editor on the staff of the school paper, and it's a real job so that's great. I'm getting paid to do something I enjoy instead of twiddling my thumbs.

So that's what I've got for now.

Seth "swimming" in the Amite

2009-09-02T15:41:00.001-05:00

amiterivergreensburg10
Originally uploaded by tabiii

How can I do this?

2009-08-30T10:54:00.002-05:00

Bad day. My gramma sounded a little more excited about the possibility of me transferring Seth mid-semester to a shitty Baton Rouge school than I had expected. She was talking about it like it was going to happen, not like it was a last resort. I tried explaining to her that if she followed a real structured discipline plan, then it would work. She kept going back to Seth just not wanting to do anything ever. Seth's a fantastic kid, and I wish he could've had better parents. I suck at this. He really does deserve better. I try and I try to make things better for me and him, but it never works.

I don't know what's going to happen after this semester.

I never know what's going to happen, ever.

2009-08-24T20:01:00.002-05:00

Moving into my new apartment soon, I hope. To make this work, I think I'll need to change my furniture up a bit. I may need to trade the sofa in for a recliner or loveseat or one of those huge comfy chairs, though I doubt I'll do that. Need a cafe table for the kitchen. Mine will never fit. Seriously considering bunk beds, too. Maybe. Or a trundle bed.

Oh the joys of a tiny apartment.

Discomfort drawing to a close.

2009-08-13T16:30:00.004-05:00

So, it looks like I'll be moving back to BR on the first after all. Talked to Tiffany and she told me the manager would wait for my deposit, but I got my deposit check in the mail today, anyway. I guess I'll be putting that down on Monday. Then it's just being able to pay first month's rent before financial aid. Jon says he'll lend me some cash for that. Yay! I hope I still get to see him lots when I move back down there. =/

School starts next week, and I have to be in BR every day Mon- Fri. Maybe I should finally take Jade up on her couch offer. It's two weeks from school starting til my apartment being ready.

I've been getting lineart to color from DA (seriously, is there anything DA can't help with, artistically?) so i can practice coloring in photoshop. Got a bunch of lacy vintage textures, too.

I'm off all weekend, but I have crap to do tomorrow. Pretty much have to spend my check on my car. Inspection. Oil Change. Spare tire.

This is pretty neat. http://www.studentbuyingguide.com/

2009-08-09T19:45:00.002-05:00

I am in all kinds of pain. Seriously. I want a full body massage. Or, at least, an ass down + my right wrist massage. Painting is hard on the knees, legs, wrists, feet, etc. etc. I want to do it again, though!

2009-08-07T11:13:00.002-05:00

It's tempting to just stay in Slaughter this semester. Really tempting. Seth likes me being here and Mimi says I can paint with her. Sounds like I'd make a lot more money working with her than at GNC, and I wouldn't have to be there as much to make it.

Things are also really not going down the way I expected with the apartment. And by what I expected, I mean the way the manager said it would. Oh well.

My only problem is being able to concentrate on school stuffs while I'm here. It's so LOUD. Then again, the kids are in school, so maybe it would be quiet enough for studying.

And as far as Jon goes, nothing's really changing yet. That sounds like a negative thing, but it's not. I hope it never changes. I still can't wait to see him and can't stand to see him go. Sometimes it makes me feel needy, but it's not like I can't live without him. I just prefer to be with him. A lot of the things I hate about myself go away when I'm with him (I'm just noticing this) , so I'll take looking needy in their place. He makes me better.

2009-08-03T21:38:00.002-05:00

Back to work tomorrow. I'm going to be off Wednesday now in trade for working all day Thursday for Sam. Sigh. SIGH. I don't know how long I can manage to stay at GNC. Now it's just a really far drive to make zero money.

Also, I'm already reaching the last straw here at Gramma's. It's not quiet until everyone's in bed, and by then I'm so worn out that I just want to sleep. This is going to be absolutely miserable. Even for a month. Even for less.

Art on display?! / Sakura Oil Chubbies

2009-08-01T17:12:00.004-05:00

Jon and I went to Louie's for lunch today, and he pointed this out:
The blue paper is a drawing I did on the back of a kid's menu a while back. They kept it and pinned it on the bulletin board. So, my art is on display somewhere now. Who'd have thought it would be Louie's? Regardless of whether they think a child drew it and it maybe wouldn't be there otherwise, it made my day a little brighter.

Also went to the Co-Op to get charcoal, but got these instead. Sakura Chubby Oil Pastels. Eeee. So cute.

Love these collages

2009-07-30T20:54:00.002-05:00

They're adorable.

http://amyrhian.blogspot.com/

I so just had a fight with "Alt+v" on gramma's keyboard again.

It was a strange drive here. Someone seemed to be following me nearly all the way, until I lost them at a DUI Checkpoint. At 7pm. In Zachary. Which I didn't have to even roll my window down for. Also, we got the 'pleasure' of seeing a convertible smashed into a tree. We also had the 'joy' of driving by it very slowly, since cars were blocking the road. There's no way anyone survived that. I was lost in thought the rest of the way home.

Illustration Friday - "Idle"

2009-07-26T17:16:00.003-05:00

Pen and Ink lineart. Coloring in Photoshop. I usually do portraits, but I'm happy with the way this one came out.

Giraffe Girls

2009-07-25T11:23:00.003-05:00

All ink and Gouache on illustration board.

From Giddy to Sad in 5.3

2009-07-25T10:26:00.001-05:00

I was pretty excited for today. Especially since I woke up not in so much pain, I was so excited. I'd get to hang out with him and him, since he took off work and he didn't have to go to daycare. So excited.

Fail.

I got my ID and hang-tag yesterday, after a lot of bullshit at the school. They can never do anything for anyone there. Ever. There was a nice cop there, though, and he gave me my ID without any problems. Take that, mean lady at the counter.

Speaking of counters, I have one more week in this apartment, and then it's misery until financial aid happens for me. Not wanting to drive that far for work and school. Also not wanting to wear out welcomes with friends.

It's amazing how quickly my mood can change for the worse. Also amazing how hard it is to get it to change for the better. I guess if anything changed, it would be easier for my mood to change.

Longer, Harder, Faster.

2009-07-21T18:34:00.003-05:00

I'm thinking it may be better to blog less times a week and have longer blogs. It doesn't go with my style of thinking (ADD!), but I'm going to have to learn to put all my thoughts together in an organized fashion eventually, what with the school paper and all. It would also save me a lot of time thinking of what to write. I can just gather thoughts throughout the week.

Does anyone that reads this trade Art Trading Cards? I've got a little pack of them, and I'd like to set up trades with people. Also, any blogs or forums dedicated to trading ATCs would be awesome. I love the idea of it. I'd like to have a baseball card kind of binder with other people's art in it.

Inspired:
http://lizacorbett.com/ (especially her sketchbook page. wowowow awesome sketchbook. Now I can't wait to get mine)

Resources:
http://calligraphypen.wordpress.com (Information about caligraphy/crows quill pens)

http://www.handprint.com the watercolor and color sections are fantastic resources.

I've been thinking a lot about supplements and nutrition to increase creativity/productivity. Taking Vyvanse makes me so much more creative and productive with it. I can really draw and and paint all day and never get burnt out or distracted. But Vyvanse is amphetamine. I hate to think what I'm doing to my brain by taking it more than rarely. I googled it, and after finding a website dedicated to immortality, I found a blog that is pretty much about everything I was wondering. Creative Substances[link] is a fantastic read if you're at all interested in ways to get past block or just bring on more brainstorms or creativity.

The paleolithic, or hunter-gatherer diet seems to be the best for creativity and overall health. However, this diet seems almost impossible to follow in the modern world. You could follow something like it, but that would be another diet altogether. I may try this "something lse altogether", because it seems better than the Atkins diet, and the Atkins diet had a lot of benefits for me. Thing is, I didn't pay attention to the creativity/productivity side of that because I was binge drinking and not sleeping at the time. Ehe. So this is the basics: "excluded dairy products, legumes, cereals, grains, potatoes and products containing potassium chloride..."

Regardless which diet I choose, it seems that carbohydrates are the devil. Especially wheat. I also just read that wheat rots your teeth more than sugar. Wheat = bad?

Happy birthday, Michele!

With wisdom comes pain.

2009-07-20T22:08:00.004-05:00

My vacation is over. My mouth hurts.

So I'm going back to work tomorrow. Not looking forward to that, either. I'm out of practice at being miserable 5 hours a day all week. Nah. its a cake schedule at a ridiculously slow retail store. I can draw. I'll survive.

My mouth hurts so bad. I think it's my wisdom teeth.

After Ive had enough of portraits, I think I'm going to do a "stuff I don't understand fully" project. I have started a list.

-Anxiety ( i could probably do an entire collection for this)
-Making someone happy
-social situations
-Blind faith/Need to believe.

Late, but w/e

2009-07-19T13:34:00.001-05:00

had to drag myself out of the deep depression from my birthday. I'm pretty sure from now on I'll get a sitter and take some pain pills to sleep through my birthday from now on.

The picture is my first hand-inked, photoshop-colored drawing. Done with crows quill and india ink. My card to myself. Happybirthday me.

Speedball/Schedule Change/DA/Is completely traditional art dead?

2009-07-15T11:24:00.003-05:00

I got new pens. I went to Hobby Lobby for bristol paper and was seduced by Speedball sketch pens. And the review is: WOW! I have never had a pen so waterproof. I can paint watercolor LAST. No smudging. It doesn't even make it fade. Yay!

I dropped figure drawing. I'll take it next semester. maybe I'll take my classes on MWF next semester so it won't be so inconvenient. To keep it FT, I picked Psych201 back up. Bleh bleh bleh. Now, I'll have 4 classes T,Thurs. 10 hours of school. W/E. 6 hours of that is drawing. I think I can handle it. I draw for ten hours at work on a regular basis. ;)

I got a 3 month subscription to DA to see if I like it. Not really noticing much difference yet. I did set up real prints, though. You can get Jellah and Michael.

I need to find a company that does Giclee prints on the cheap with no minimum. Not even possible, right? Right here in BR would be wonderful. More not possibles.

I looked in a mirror, and someone new was there/PINK

2009-07-13T09:16:00.006-05:00

Last night, I started this painting. Painting with a sponge seems to solve my watercolor background problems.It's nice and smooth now. Not a lot of brushy stuff. Hopefully, I can finish it today. I'm not sure I want to, though. Eh.

I'm a little hungover from last night. It's been a while since I've been so far from sobriety. I haven't let myself do it. I'm def regretting it today. Nausea. Bleh.

One of the few paintings I actually noticed at the Art Melt (there were so many people there) was by Amy Guidry. She's an A May Zing surrealist. I want to go back to the Brunner Gallery sumetime this week since the paintings will be on display until the 20th. Looked like there was some fantastic stuff there, but it was like a herd of cattle everywhere in the Shaw Center. And they were serving them liquor. A thousand drunk cows standing between me and fancy paintings. Plus, Seth didn't have a good time at all. I'll go back without him, hopefully with Jade.

Mati Rose makes cute stuff.

Common features/Creative commons

2009-07-11T12:26:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was interesting. Work wasn't lame. I stayed 'til 2:30 without whining about it. Not much work got done, but I did manage to enjoy my day there.

I found my sister on Facebook. I googled her name, and her Facebook was the first thing to come up. I then spent at least an hour looking through her pictures to see if we looked anything alike. We don't really. Similar eyes. We both look like my mom, but not in the same ways, I guess. We both have Fleur de Lis tattoos. She's absolutely gorgeous.

It made me feel alone in the world, which is opposite what I expected to feel. I've always been an only child and I've always hated it. Thing is, finding her doesn't make me any less of an only child. I was an only child. I'm not a child anymore, so I can't change that. Seeing her reminds me that I didn't have to be an only child. It's a mixture of sadness and loneliness and anger.

Google has a CC search option now.

That's good to know; I can't say the same/ Do you feel better now?

2009-07-10T18:30:00.003-05:00

Starting when school starts, I am going to be a real writer. Yes, a paid one. Admittedly, it doesn't pay much. I'll also admit it's for the school paper, but YAY! The editor told me I'm 'very much hired'. I like that. Very much hired. She also said she'd like to use my sample article (it's about Insomkneeacks and the possible rise of real artsy coffee shops) in the first Fall edition. I'll just have to make sure to update the shows. Right now it mentions Bones and Benjamindale. That would be pretty lame if it got printed with those.

I know this will look good on resume, and I'm not going to have much of a personal life starting in August, so I'm really looking forward to it.

Is there a way to block IP addresses from a Blogger blog?

Train Wrecks

2009-07-07T22:56:00.003-05:00

I really love how what happened was so wrong. So. Fucking. Wrong. I'm a shitty person. My boy's a shitty person. It's all so terrible until he does it to someone. Until he hurts a friend. Now it's all "Who was I to interfere?" and "I'm so happy for them."

Sometimes I wish he wouldn't talk to my friend so I wouldn't have to see this shit.

Then, I could just not look at it.

Ray and Syd

2009-07-07T09:28:00.005-05:00

Last night, I drew a picture of a girl that after finishing and really looking at it, looked a lot like Rachel. Then, I had a dream about Rachel. In the dream, I pretended that I was only there because I had to be. Only there because someone had stopped by her house and had no idea we knew each other, much less that she hated me. But, it was difficult. I tried not to laugh when she said things or when Syd did something silly. It didn't last long. I was laughing with her and it was like everything didn't just go away suddenly. I woke up on the verge of tears.

Do these things always haunt you? Will it ever stop? I'm happy with my life now and seldom long for anything like my old one. I guess it's just never a happy experience to lose someone you love, whether by death or otherwise.

I have a baby gallery in my living room:

Preggo

2009-07-06T18:13:00.002-05:00

Staring out

2009-07-05T00:47:00.001-05:00

Couldn't sleep tonight, so I thought I'd make a quick drawing. She's mechanical pencil, prismacolor and ink.

God, make up your mind.

2009-07-04T23:51:00.004-05:00

You've got to.

Communism Brochures

2009-07-04T11:08:00.004-05:00

Found this inside of a book titled "Christians Confront Communism". Both the book and the brochure are from 1962.

Interview Sketches

2009-07-03T23:12:00.003-05:00

I got a response from the editor of the school paper today. I'll have to go back and get an application and submit a 350 word sample writing piece to them. Oh, what to write about? I know it should involve entertainment and art. But should it be a show review? Recurring events at local venues? What would Jesus do?

Fourth second chance / Bright sides 20/20 \ My new unserious relationship

2009-07-02T14:56:00.000-05:00

So after having talked with him about it (ok, we argued about it) and had a night and a day to think about it, I think I do like this idea. I won't have to devote so much time and energy into this relationship anymore. In fact, I won't be able to. So that works out pretty well. I'll pretty much be free on the weekends, and I hear talk of...*gasp* dates. So that sounds like a pretty fancy deal.

We start over. We're just dating, not this almost-married thing we're doing right now. I imagine I'll be getting my own place around the end of August, and I won't have to clean up after anyone but me and Seth. I can stay up all night painting or studying and I won't have to have that weird thing tugging at my brain, telling me I should be sleeping next to him, soaking it up before he goes away.

I won't get so irritated with him, because absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Really. I have firsthand experience with this.

He's right. He has more important things to be focusing on right now, and so do I. I think I'm so attached to him because he went away, and I thought about him every single hour of every single day he was gone, and now he's back. But he isn't happy, and truth-be-told neither am I. I'm happy that he's here, but his misery ruins that for me. There's no point in having him if he isn't happy to be had.

I worry about it not working. About how we never have time for each other now, so how will we when we live an hour away from each other. But, if it can't work, then we probably shouldn't be together anyway.

I think it may be harder than him being in Portland. Now, he'll actually be within driving distance, but I won't be able to do it all that often.

So for now, I'm selling my shit on Craigslist, trying to save up enough money to get a new place or at least live on until I get financial aid. I'll probably have to get a storage unit anyway, but if I sell some stuff, it won't be such a big one. BRCC just got a gym, so I won't need the elliptical anymore.

Also, I've sent an email to the staff of the BRCC newspaper, asking to be considered to work with them. I don't know any details, really, but they were looking for people in the last one I picked up. I've got to get a job that related to my interests. GNC, especially with their latest stunt*, makes me dread going to work every morning.

So the bright side to this is... more time for me. I really have needed this. After Gary and I broke up, I sort've went on a depression induced drinking binge. While working and taking care of Seth. I was still kind of on that drinking binge when I found out Jon would be coming back home.

I'm going to continue to look into art schools, and if we can find schools in the same area, then good. Fact is, Jon isn't willing to sacrifice any part of his not-really-a-plan plan for us to be together, so why should I? Not to say that I wouldn't. I would in a heartbeat. Still, why should I?

So, I won't make any assumptions about what's going to happen. I'll throw out ideas of any future I saw with him, and everything will be new. And it can start with the freshness of "we'll see".

*Minimum wage is going up .75 at the end of July. So, on that same day, GNC is going to take .25 per hour off your check for every GNC brand item you sell that has commission. They're doing this because they are going to be losing 1.6 million dollars with minimum wage going up. They're trying to balance it out so their employees aren't making any extra money with the minimum wage going up.

Just to put this into perspective, when Hydroxycut killed people, GNC spent 2 million dollars sending out new promotion signage to cover their ass. Somehow, though, they can't afford to pay their employees minimum wage. Nice.

Any company who can't find the spare change to pay their MINIMAL amount of employees MINIMUM wage is a piece of shit to me. Minimum wage is going up because people can't survive on the chump change they make here.

And if you read this, GNC, and fire me for it... then I'll be fired for a good cause. You should care more about your customers and employees than the fucking bottom line. I HATE YOU.

2009-07-02T09:18:00.002-05:00

So we talked about it last night, finally. I have to say, I'm not thrilled, but he's making a lot more sense now. Before it was him leaving to go be happy and now it's him fixing his shit so things can be better. That makes sense. That's not some crazy run-away-from-your-problems shit like the other reason. So we're going to start over. I don't know if it can be done, but we'll try. It's worth it. I do know that if I'm living in BR and he's in BFE, it will be like a LDR. (*giggle)

He's got to stop ignoring problems, though. I don't even know how he manages it, unless he's completely oblivious to there actually being a problem.

On another note, I haven't felt much like art lately. Haven't even felt much like an artist.

Scheduled break-ups are bad for your relationship, naturally.

2009-07-01T17:32:00.007-05:00

My shoulders hurt. The joints, the muscles, fabric touching the skin is uncomfortable. That's just the physical part.

I took off work early today. I couldn't manage staying there. I sat behind the counter and cried between customers. Just like I sat in the parking lot, both at home and at work, and cried. I just wanted to be alone. Then, when I got to work, I realized just how much I didn't want to be alone. I've been home since 1:45 and Jon has been sleeping the entire time. I tried to wake him up...

What a miserable fucking day.
I still wonder if it will happen one day. The thoughts, racing, begging me to do it. Convincing me that it's not worth it, that I don't belong here. Ways to do it around every corner. It wouldn't even have to look like it was on purpose. But who would make sure he grows up?At a time when I feel so completely alone, all I can wish for is to be actually alone. So it wouldn't matter. Can I really go through a long life wanting to die all the time?
I'm ready to pack up my stuff.
May go out to Slaughter this weekend. Maybe.
I'm so angry and hurt, I'm just going to start shit around here.

For my birthday this year, I get to be 2 weeks away from my boyfriend moving out in search of...happiness.

2009-06-30T21:59:00.003-05:00

I have to find an apartment by the end of the month or I'll be moving back into gramma's house in August. I could always stay here, but I'd like cheaper rent closer to school and I don't really need two bedrooms now. I can sleep on the couch. It will better suit my situation anyway. Or, if Seth stays in Slaughter for school, I'll have a bedroom during the week. I'd rather not have a bedroom than him be gone all week again, though. Sigh.

I have a few sketches from today that I'd like to upload, but my spirits are down. Maybe tomorrow. After work. After going to apply for another loan for school.

Mm nom

2009-06-29T17:45:00.002-05:00

Strawberry-Peach Protein Smoothie
Makes 2 Smoothies (larger than 80z. probably 4 smoothies if you split it up in 80z cups) ;D

1 large White Peach
1 can peach/berry nectar
2 scoops Strawberry Spirutein (or any protein powder)
1 tsp raw sugar
1 cup ice
1/2 cup soymilk

This comes out to be 190 calories and 17g protein per serving when split in 2. Not too bad.
I'll take a picture next time. Seth gobbled it down fast, so you can count on kids liking it. Seth doesn't like many foods. To make it even lower in calories, you could use only half the can of nectar and replace the other half with water.

2009-06-28T11:33:00.003-05:00

Went to a slumber party last night. Stayed way longer than id have liked to, and I'm pretty tired today.

Woke up feeling frazzled. Have to work at 12:30. Spending the morning cleanign up and watching avatar with Seth. Still not sure about situations, so I'm a little out of it.

Sketchbook Scans

2009-06-27T10:25:00.006-05:00

2009-06-27T09:56:00.002-05:00

I had a bad night. I couldn't go to sleep. Had to take some melatonin, but it still took forever to work. Nothings ever just going to stay good. Ever. I'm scanning some sketchbook pages. Maybe I can figure out something fun to do today, too. I feel lonely again. I feel like I'm about to be even lonelier soon. I can't ask for advice because even if no one said it out loud, they'd all be thinking the "I told you so"s I deserve.

Buying a print is totally punk rock/dress yourself in art

2009-06-26T08:54:00.002-05:00

I forgot to publish this, so it's a little late.

I got a Sakura Micron .03 pen Tuesday since we were near hobby lobby. I LOVE this pen so far. So smooth. So black. So non-smudgy. My favorite so far, is that it can write over Prismacolors. And speaking of Prismacolors, anyone know anything about scanning them? They seem to come out dull every time. Is it the shiny? Photobooth takes better photos of the color than the scanner.

Clips:
- In Dani Draws' latest post, she describes all the materials she uses and why.
- 6revisions new post, 10 places for design inspiration. <3 the different eras and the city ideas. The city always inspired me, and I get that romantic swoon whenever I see photos from past eras before the 70s. The 70s and 80s give me more of a nauseous fainting swoon.
- My favorite web comic, A Softer World is gonna wreck your feng shui. You can now get prints of ANY of their comics. Any of them. Like, my favorites "Are they ever coming home?", and "Quiet kisses are so hardcore.". Your walls are doomed.
- And this is just horrifying.

NSU Folk Festival, "New Populations in Louisiana"

2009-06-22T14:00:00.004-05:00

NSU Folk festival, Nachitoches, LA
July 17 - 18

Ticket info:

$8.00	All Events Saturday (8:00am – 11:00pm)
$5.00	Friday or Saturday Evening (5:00pm – 11:00pm)
Free	Kids 12 and under
$11.00	Two Day All Events Pass (Available in Advance only)

I think we'll go on the 18th if we go. There's a lot of Asian culture, and there's Japanese painters!

All of it. It belongs to the dead.

2009-06-20T18:48:00.002-05:00

The long, the short & the tall
Originally uploaded by Mukumbura sick 3 days :-( Ugh

Everything we think we know is only compared to other things we know. You are only short because I am tall. You are only strange because I am like the other 20 people in the room and you are not. How can we claim to know anything? What do we call something if there's nothing else? What would we see in our hallucinations if we had never seen anything before, and how would we describe it?

We could recreate the world and give it all new names. You and I could do this, but we'd be crazy. We'd be crazy to redo what was done hundreds of thousands of years ago. We'd be insane to start over and make it ours. We'd be crazy, so we wouldn't get very far.

Sittin' on the mountain of pillows, wastin' time...

2009-06-20T12:53:00.004-05:00

I'm still in bed. Not sleeping, obviously, but sitting here with my tea and honey, my yogurt, and my bagel, wasting time. I should be cleaning the kitchen, but I HAVE to find out what's been going on since yesterday!

Last night was fun. Let's see:
a) Tea/Pizza/Youtube party
b) Dress-up in ridiculous clothing, then keep ridiculous clothing on.
c) got to watch two 2girls1cup reactions
d) mile-long hopscotch, down stairs and down the sidewalk, forward and backward
e) FML readings/ uncontrollable laughter.

Now I'm off for 3 days, including today which is half gone already. I'm also broke as shit. What will I do? Paint? Sleep?

Giraffe, you are strange.

2009-06-18T12:57:00.002-05:00

1. Ricky, 2. girafa: giz pastel sobre tosca de puccini, 3. Giraffe Girl Vivid, 4. new legs

Giraffes are my favorite patterned animal. Blockspots. Beautfiful colors. Gorgeous creature. Oh and their little nubs on their heads. Yes!

WTF WTF WTF!?

2009-06-18T11:55:00.001-05:00

And I quote:

How much will I earn?
The salary for on-campus positions is $7.50 an hour, and $8.15 for off-campus positions. The number of hours you work will depend on your eligibility but would be no more than 20 hours per week. You will receive a paycheck every two weeks for the hours that you worked.

I don't make that here! And GNC has work-study forms. So what that means is that if I went through work study to work here, I'd make $2 more than I do just working here?

So, today I got soft pencils.

2009-06-17T23:15:00.002-05:00

I 'worked'. And then I tried to watch an episode of Mental. Then I babysat Jade's babies while Justin and Jon played disk golf. Then Jon, Seth, and I went to Cici's. I'm pretty certain I left my phone there. I'll have to call tomorrow and make sure. If not, I'll have to call and have them disconnect it. It's prepaid, and it's also a piece of crap, so the phone isn't my concern. It's the important calls I'm awaiting. Sigh.

One thing I did find today, though, was that I'm sure I want to get a BFA in illustration. I'm looking at CCAD, but I'm still looking, you know. Any fantastic design schools anyone know of? I'm going to get my first year classes out of the way here while it's cheap.

I've managed to squeeze 2-D design, Drawing 1 and 1, English, and Philosophy into this semester and not have to be at school all the time. All but figure drawing will only be two days a week, actually.

I got these water-soluble graphite pencils today. I think I like my lead hard. ;D

Inspiration/ Annie Wu <3

2009-06-15T14:42:00.004-05:00

I've got to get past this lethargy. It's been here for days. Even yesterday I was cranky, even though I was out and about. (Firefox just thought the typo "uesterday" was meant to be "Amsterdam"). Here's a set of pictures and art I found on Flickr. That first one has a link to a tutorial to make your own sleep mask. I adore that poppy.

I especially love the sketchbook drawings in this set. Got a lot of new Flickr favorites from this one. Credit:

1. Sleeping Mask 1, 2. sleep mask, 3. "The Rest", 4. May 25th Sketch (Everybody Sleeps), 5. Sleep., 6. "The Dutiel couch" - Life Drawing, 7. She was sleeping when I got in the bus, and still she was sleeping when I got off., 8. poppy, 9. sleeping, 10. the robin, 11. Mazy with Doll Heads, 12. sleeping_3

I heart Annie Wu. Her snow queen illustrations are fantastic, but they're just the tip of the iceberg. ;D

Support Perkins Rood Art District! Sign the petition!

2009-06-14T11:42:00.003-05:00

Re-posted from facebook:

THIS IS NOT A RE-ZONING ISSUE!

Local Perkins Road artists, businesses and residents are supporting an initiative to create a cultural district from Southdowns Shopping Center to the Baton Rouge Gallery in CIty Park. The primary goal of the Cultural Districts program is to revitalize communities and contribute to the lives and livelihoods of the citizens of the district by creating locally driven hubs of cultural activity.

The cultural Districts Program is an initiative of the Office of the Lt. Governmor and the Department of Culture. The creation of a Cultural District, such as the Perkins Road Art District, would play a vital role of in the economic and cultural development of the Baton Rouge community. A Cultural District will be engaged in the promotion, preservation, and educational aspects of the arts and cultural of the locale.

The program provides many incentives for communities, such as:
-Renovations to historic structures within the district may be eligible for state historic tax credits
-Sales of original, one-of-a-kind works of art are exempt from local and state sales tax.

The program may also:
-Increase occupancy in local neighborhoods
-Promote property renovations/preservation
-Increase community jobs

There are two annual review cycles to become a Cultural District, with the application deadlines on July 1 and December 1 of each year. The initiative is due in committee on June 24.

NEW PETITION ADDRESS
Support the cause and sign the petition at
http://www.petitionspot.com/petitions/Perkins

Contact Info

Email:

Website:
http://www.crt.state.la.us/culturaldistr...

Office:
Department of Culture, Recreation, and Tourism

Location:
The Office of City Development 225-342-8161
Baton Rouge, LA

Red/Yellow/Pink Inspiration

2009-06-13T18:27:00.004-05:00

Lovely combination, isn't it? Especially when there's cupcakes and buttons and tiny little flowers involved. 12 Flickr photos for inspiration. Credit:

1. Summer Berries Red Current01, 2. Colors - Red & Pink, 3. Pink...it's like red but not quite., 4. self-portrait in red and pink with Playmobil pirate ship and Jamie, 5. pink | red | orange, 6. Neon Yellow, Neon Pink And Red., 7. yellow, pink, orange & red buttons, 8. Pink Yellow Red Yellow Pink, 9. Red, Yellow, Pink, 10. Red, Yellow and Pink Light, 11. Pink Yellow Red, 12. Posted on a Pole, 13. paradise, 14. YELLOW POPPIES I, 15. End Your Marriage To That Awful Woman, 16. 04_25_06

Also, I think I need a wordpress blog. Maybe a fancy new domain. I have to hold off on that, though. Maybe I just need to figure out how to make blogger more useful.

Email:
Website:	http://www.crt.state.la.us/culturaldistr...
Office:	Department of Culture, Recreation, and Tourism
Location:	The Office of City Development 225-342-8161 Baton Rouge, LA